There are two stages of love that we experience as we develop into great partners; learning love and genuine love.

Learning love is about repeating lessons until you get them right. Sometimes you have to make the same mistake many times before you learn that it just doesn’t get you what you want. When you’re in this stage you draw people into your life to learn what only they can teach you… doesn’t sound like much fun, does it? Who wants to spend time learning when there’s so much genuine love to be had? But, learning love is a necessary step in your quest for that genuine love.

Only when you learn the ultimate lesson of learning love can you move on.

It’s a simple lesson but maddeningly hard to master. Here it is:

You are the creator of your life.

Gain true understanding of that lesson and you’ll see your genuine love flourish.

And, don’t assume you have to get rid of your current relationship just because you’re in a learning love phase. You and your partner can eventually reach a point where you’re ready for genuine love, honest, committed, kind and appreciative love where each person has the freedom to find their own way to creative expression without threatening the relationship. Many couples make the transition from learning love to genuine love together.

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Here is the third of the seven big discoveries that we made that really allow relationships to thrive.
Here’s the principle:

Relationships thrive in a climate of absolute honesty where there are no hidden feelings or things that are unsaid.

Relationships also thrive when you can listen to the other person free of “listening filters” like:

• listening to fix them
• listening to make them wrong
• listening to criticize them

A filter that we discovered that works a lot better than those filters is shifting to curiosity: just listening for what it is that your partner really wants with curiosity.

Before we shifted to that, one of the things that used to happen was that we misunderstood the power of telling the truth and I thought that telling the truth was really airing my own opinion for example:

“you know, you made me mad. I was fine till you said that and that really made me mad.”
“Well, you know what I think you got that exactly backwards because you’re the one that makes you mad not me”
“oh! Really, and you have that on what kind of authority.”
“Well that’s just the way the universal truth is.”
“Ohh I see, I see. so the truth is you know you’re a Jerk, you know that’s the truth and not only is  that the truth but I have lots of other people who agree with me.”
“All those lady friends of yours that you run around with, i guess those would be the ones…”
“yeah! That’s right! That’s right!!”
“Aha!”
“I’ve taken a pole.”
“And how many successful relationships do all of those people have by the way?”
“Well, I… I… I…”

So, so we had this thing going where where we didn’t understand that what you really need to do is speak the un-arguable truth.

The truth is about saying things that really can’t be argued with. So what we learned to do was speak what we called microscopic truth where we would say something like:

“I feel angry right now and I feel the urge to blame you,”
“Mmm I..I feel sad and I don’t really know why I’m sad”
“Well, I feel scared that I’m not going to be able to figure out how to be close with you.”

What we found when we said those things you might think that that would create distance but what it did was create intimacy, connection and allowed us to solve the problems really quickly.

So, we have a list of the most powerful communications that you can make that allow you to create that kind of intimacy when you are wanting to make the shift to speaking honestly to people you care about. These are some things that would really make a big difference.

The one I just mentioned “I’m scared that…” That’s really a good one because we found that underneath a lot of things people are angry about, but what they really are is afraid of something. So if you are criticizing your partner and you’re really angry, one thing you might say is that “you know I’m scared that I don’t know how to get close to you right now.”

The important thing is to say something that can’t be argued about. Why so many arguments’s happen in the world is because people speak arguably to each other. When people say something like “I’m scared that…” it opens up a heart connection right away and then other kinds of connections can happen really easily.

The second one that we find is really valuable is the sentence: “Even though I’m convinced I’m right, I could be wrong about…” and in your relationships being able to actually let go of being right and open up to another possibility makes a huge difference in creating a thriving relationship.

Another one would be “I think I hear you saying…” and just try out what you think you’re hearing the person saying. If it’s right they’ll say “yeah! That’s what I’m saying” or if it’s wrong they’ll say “No, what I’m really saying is something else.” In any case what you’re doing there is you’re saying “I think I here you saying”, not that “I hear you saying” or “You’re saying…”

The moments when you can get into that unarguable state and speak from that, that’s when the real magic occurs. And the magic is that you could stop arguments but you also increase vitality both in yourself and between you.

So, we have been living in discovery for many many years now where I keep finding out new things about you and deepening our relationship while keeping it fresh. What a great thing for your close relationships.

See larger image Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment (Paperback) By (author) Gay Hendricks, Kathlyn Hendricks List Price: $16.00 USD New From: $7.50 In Stock Used from: $1.18 In Stock Release date January 1, 1992.

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The second of the seven big relationship discoveries we made relates to learning from every relationship interaction.

Here is the principal:

If you learn from every relationship interaction – rather than getting defensive in relation interactions – it allows you to learn from the other person and they learn from you, so that you move through things faster and get to a higher level of intimacy much faster.

Here is one thing we noticed in our relationship and we have noticed from the people we have worked with: Opposites attract. You get together with somebody who’s not like you and then the first thing you do is either try to change them so they like you or you make them wrong for being the way they are. Some of the classic opposites are:

• the thinker and the feeler
• the spendthrift and the tightwad
• the tidy one or the messy one

So when we got together we really represented a lot of those polarities.

Gay & Katie Hendricks

Katie: One of the first things that would happen is the way I got defensive was to feel misunderstood

Gay: So she was the big feeler and I was the big thinker. When we got into our relationship and when ever she get into that feeling state I would get more cerebral, and I would say: “You know, fundamentally there is nothing to be upset about it because you know that if you can just think it through a little more carefully…”

Katie: And I would say “if you could just deconstruct the stick some where in your anatomy, you could loosen up a little bit and your life might really be a lot more fun if you have more feeling in it.”

So we have these battle going on back forth about which position was right and then one day we realized that we could actually use this as an opportunity to learn from each other. So, we developed this magic move which involves shifting from your critical brain to your wonder brain. The method is to create a “hhmmmm” a pleasant “hhmmm” that actually shifts you into your creative brain.

Finally after bunch of those I realized: Why would a thinker attract a feeler into his life? Hmmm, I wonder if its because I need to learn something about my feelings? Then I, for the first 498 times I would go “naaa, that can’t possibly apply” but finally I began not only that there was a learning opportunity that I was getting over and over again.

So here is that magic move that we wanted to suggest you which is: “hhmmmmmmm, What can I learn from this?”

When you shift from trying to blame each other into “hhmmmm, what can I learn from this?” then your relationship becomes about discovery. After 28+ years we are still discovering and learning from each other… which creates day to day fun and enjoyment of being together.

See larger image Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment (Paperback) By (author) Gay Hendricks, Kathlyn Hendricks List Price: $16.00 USD New From: $7.50 In Stock Used from: $1.18 In Stock Release date January 1, 1992.

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Gay Hendricks, PhD

Most people don’t understand how commitment works but if you are in relationship breakdown its probably being caused by a hidden commitment problem. That’s the bad news.

The good news is that your breakdown is the perfect opportunity to learn about commitment.

The most obvious commitment problem is that one or both partners haven’t fully committed to the relationship – they have got one foot out the back door. But, there is more pervasive problem: we make a commitment that interferes with our commitment to the relationship.

For example:

Maybe you could be more committed to the conflict than to the relationship, or more committed being criticized or to criticizing so each time you sense criticism in your partner’s voice, or you feel you’re being ignored, you engage in argument. You fight the fact that you being ill treated that what you show your commitment to so that’s were your energy goes .

The way to solve that problem is to recommit something that supports your marriage.

• Instead of conflict you can commit to appreciation.
• Don’t commit to hearing criticism, commit to generating curiosity.
• Rather than committing to being ignored, commit to being interesting.

So your energy and your focus goes to the positive instead of to the negative and you devote your effort to creating the relationship rather than picking away at it.

Make a new commitment and see what happens!

See larger image Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment (Paperback) By (author) Gay Hendricks, Kathlyn Hendricks List Price: $16.00 USD New From: $7.50 In Stock Used from: $1.18 In Stock Release date January 1, 1992.

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In question number one of the top 10 we defined Real Love:

Real love is caring about the happiness of others without wanting anything for ourselves in return.

It’s not real love when I do what you want and you like me, its real love when I’m stupid and inconvenient but you don’t feel disappointed or irritated at me.

There is no disappointment or anger in Real Love.

Why do I say that?

Imagine that I’m describing to you a mistake that you’ve made. I’m pointing out ways that you could do a particular task in a way that would be more efficient, faster, even more fun for you. You can feel from my tone, my posture, my expression, everything about me that my concern is for you… but the instant I’m irritated at you, you know that my primary concern is for whom? It’s obvious isn’t it?

The moment I’m disappointed or irritated at you, I’m virtually screaming (with my behavior) that you have failed to do something for me or you have done something that irritates me. It’s all about me and while I’m standing above you screaming “me, me, me,” is there any way in the world you could feel my unconditional concern for your happiness? Not a chance! None!

And that is why something like 99% of us don’t feel unconditionally loved.

Real Love

From the time we were small children, when we were quite, clean, obedient, got good grades, (when we were good, in other words) our parents and others smiled, spoke in gentle tones and told us in other words that they approved of us but we also saw what happened the instant we screwed up, when we fought with our sister, made too much noise, embarrassed our parents in public and so on, all those signs of approval were gone in a second.

It was not intentional on anyone’s part but because of the dramatic change in almost everyone’s behavior what lesson did we learn? There could be only one, “When you’re good, I love you, when you’re not, i don’t”. That is not unconditional love, real love. And it left us feeling empty, alone, unloved; it left us in pain, in most cases for the rest of our lives. Is there a way out of this tragedy? Oh sure. As a member of RealLove.com you learn a great deal about how to find and share real love, how to heal all the wounds of the past and how to find the profound happiness and rich relationships you have always wanted.

See larger image Real Love: The Truth About Finding Unconditional Love & Fulfilling Relationships (Paperback) By (author) Greg Baer List Price: $16.00 USD New From: $7.00 In Stock Used from: $3.39 In Stock Release date January 15, 2004.

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How do men and women cope with stress differently? 

One of the biggest reasons for problems in relationships: Not because we cope differently, but because we don’t understand how we cope differently. We just don’t understand what we’re dealing with and when we don’t understand, we tend to misinterpret it. 

Dr. John Gray

So let’s say a man is at work all day with his problems but today there are problems you can’t solve in one day: there’s mortgages, bank loans and things you have to do and wait 6 months for or may be tomorrow, you have real estate deals so at the end of the day there is nothing I can do to solve this problem. It’s what man becomes experts at. How do you solve a problem that you can’t solve? You’ve been doing this from time since the beginning of time. We’ve got this gene which allows to do it. You can’t solve a problem? No problem. Forget it.

And Plato explained it (because he is a very serious philosopher type) He said:

“life is a serious endeavor, but there is utility and seriousness in being frivolous.”

So one has to have frivolous behavior as well because it puts you in the right side of the brain. So if you go right side of the brain, and you’re a man, the left side of the brain goes to sleep, has a nice rest. The left side of the brain just gets worn out.

The women can’t leave the left side of the brain. They are always thinking and they’re always feeling and they’re always planning to talk or remembering to talk or whatever. The whole brain is functioning for women in a different way for man. Now we feel sorry for women and feel sorry for men or we can ask how we can support each other.

First of all let me explain what women do to cope with stress. Women cope with stress by talking about it. She wants to talk about all the problems that happened today. Why would she ever want to do that? From man’s point of view there’s problem that you can’t do anything about it… Forget it. And that by the way is another communication skill that you have to practice: which women is talking about a problem.

Remember not to say these words:

• Don’t worry about it.
• It’s not a big deal.
• Just forget it.

Here’s something I tried once… after stressful day from my wife. I said honey “don’t worry about it lets just have sex “. Only once… it didn’t work. She might talk about some problem and we’d say: “Just quit that job. Find another job. It’s your choice, do something else.”

Did she feel like that you even interested in what she had to say? No.
Did she feel like you really care about her? No. 
And the truth is, men, is she really asking for your advice at that time? No!

Men are – on a subconscious level – this is where we’re coming from: “Honey just quit that job.” What do you expect her to say? “What a brilliant idea. I had not thought of it. I have a problem with a job, I can just quit it and find another job. Oh that’s great, I feel great no wonder you make all the money.”

She’s not gonna say that, she’s not asking for advice. What she looking for is using her relationship as a way to cope with stress.

See larger image Why Mars and Venus Collide: Improving Relationships by Understanding How Men and Women Cope Differently with Stress (Hardcover) By (author) John Gray List Price: $24.95 USD New From: $3.90 In Stock Used from: $0.01 In Stock Release date January 22, 2008.

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Here’s the first big relationship discovery that we made:

Gay Hendricks: Relationship thrive when both people commit to unity and connection with the other person. So in order to have a relationship work really well, both people have to be committed to themselves as individuals – their own creative expression – and total union with the other person.

Katie Hendricks: And most of think that when we get into a relationship that we are supposed to be with each other all the time and than if you want to be our selves is either something wrong with us, or something wrong with the relationship. One of the things we liked to do is to divide people into different categories and one of the ones that is create a lot of amusement for us is to decide whether people are glommers or splitters.

Glommers people who prefer to get close they just love to get close.

Gay Hendricks: Glommers feel a little more that they’re not the huggy sort. They like to be on their own, they don’t like public displays of affection. So, what happens unfortunately in relationship if you have a splitter (which I was when I got into out relationship), I thought: “she is doing it wrong.” I made glommers wrong.

Katie Hendricks: And I thought that you are just kind of isolated a little bit of up tide. If you just learn to let other people close to you than you must be a much better person.

Gay Hendricks: And I had the opposite thought. If she just kind of back-off a little bit I’d be a lot of happy.

Katie Hendricks: He actually called me clingy type, I was so offended.

Gay Hendricks: Yes and I believe the word you used for me was tight-ass. So, anyway, after a while we realized what the real solution was and that is that in a relationship a splitter needs to learn from the glommer how to be connected, how to be close to another person.

Katie Hendricks: And glommer needs to learn from the splitter how to have your own independent relationship with the world. How to get information to be comfortable being alone and so one of the thing what we decided that we would commit to be whole human beings that we would learn from each other how to incorporate both being a glommer and a splitter. That’s the first magic move.

Gay Hendricks: And now Katie can hug me in public and my shoulders don’t go to high.

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How many women feel that you have that irresistible urge to try to improve your partner?

Be proud of it… you’re women, that’s what you do! If you are not even aware of it, become aware of it because it’s one of the biggest sabotaging things you can do in a relationship:

• Your husband’s tie is not right? Let somebody else point it out to him, unless he says to you “do you think my tie looks good?”
• He’s eating a meal and he’s ordering a desert… and you look at him like you are his mother: “you know what the doctor said, you shouldn’t be eating that”.

How can he have passion for you that night? How can he feel connected to you?

Suddenly you are treating him like a child… some women say “but he behaves like a child.” I say if you treat him like a child, he’ll behave like a child.

Women tend to give unsolicited advice: “how can I help him? Let me suggest this! Let me suggest this! Let me suggest this!”  What you unknowingly do is push away the man you love the most in life.

Now what men do is just almost the same but with a different twist almost an opposite twist. Men wanna give advice to women – not about so much what you should do (although some us would do that) – but about how you should feel. Women, you know how much you hate that… you’re upset – as though you shouldn’t be upset.

Men don’t understand how sensitive women are about this issue, if I am talking to another guy and he’s upset about something, I can easily say “don’t worry about it it’s not a big deal it’s tomorrow, he’ll go “okay we’ll have a drink and watch TV” it’s not like a big issue”.

(Try saying that to your wife, she won’t be your wife for long…)

See larger image Mars and Venus Together Forever: Relationship Skills for Lasting Love (Paperback) By (author) John Gray List Price: $14.99 USD New From: $4.54 In Stock Used from: $0.01 In Stock Release date March 1, 2005.

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Women, what you don’t understand about men is we have billions less neuro-connectors between thinking and feeling.

Men have a difficult time thinking a lot and knowing what they feel.

To feel and think is a very difficult thing for men. We have to sort of go “Okay, I feel… Hmm, what was I feeling? Let check out that feeling. Well, it has changed now…  let me check again.”  Then, once we figure out what we are feeling, we have to stop feeling on the left side of our brain and go up to the other part of the brain, right up in the front part and talk. So, we have to figure out what we think about what we feel then we talk about it.

Sometimes women complain that it doesn’t have a lot of feeling by that point, she says: “I don’t feel it!”

“Well I did feel it but I thought about it look over there…”

When a man is really is his sort of work mode that’s the left side of the brain so he’s poking left brain, left brain, left brain.  It’s very hard for him to access his feelings at that time.

Women, you don’t understand what it’s like to be a man… at all! Total. You know, it’s interesting, our brains are very similar – the location of things in our brain are very similar – but there are some big differences. The first difference, which is sort of politically in correct to point out, but I’d like to point it all out anyway, is that men’s brain are bigger than womens. Men’s brains start out bigger – but what they don’t tell you usually – is that they end up smaller.

Men’s brain start out bigger, and end up smaller than women’s.

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In my book The Four Seasons of Marriage, I used the seasons to describe the quality of marriage. It has nothing to do with how long you have been married. It has everything to do with the quality of your marriage.

• A Winter marriage is cold & harsh. We are not talking – or if we do talk, we are arguing with each other. We are hunkered down in the igloo. It’s a bitter winter…
• Spring on the other hand is the time of excitement. We know we love each other, we are excited about each other, talking to each other, plans for the future. Most people get married in spring, but you can go from spring to winter on the honeymoon, and some couples do…
• Summer, this is the relaxed date of marriage. You have learned how to process some of your differences. You have learned to accept some of those things which you can’t process and just allow each other to be their own person.
  You are relaxed in your relationship, you trust each other. Typically, also, in the summer you continue to work on your marriage. You have learned that marriage does not continue without work. You know the flowers look beautiful in the summer but you have to water the flowers in the summer… a couple in the Summer stage of their relationship understands that.
• The Fall season of marriage is where everything looks nice on the outside. I live in North Carolina: the leaves are changing, the color is so beautiful and it all looks beautiful. The fact is leaves are about to fall of the trees and that’s the way it is in the fall marriage.
  Things look nice on the outside people say “ooh, what a nice couple” but on the inside the couple knows that other things are happening. They are uncertain; they may be blaming each other. The marriage is deteriorating… they have neglected each other and they are drifting apart from each other.

I am trying to help couples beside which season a marriage where in and then in the second half of the book am trying to give them some strategies that will help them improve or enhance the seasons of their marriage.

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